Dad
January 30, 2006
catesbool
I want to write about happy things and the people who taught me what happiness means… I want to recall the happy moments I had when I was growing up because I never really reflected back on them.. So here is one piece to begin with…
I am listening to this song, Butterfly Kisses, which actually tells the story of how a father marvels at the beauty of her daughter as she grows up. I wonder whether Dad really felt something like that towards me. Well, I was never a beauty anyway, that is one. And Dad never really saw me grow up.
But I do remember a lot of happy memories with Dad while I was growing up….
Dad was a momentary father to me. But what little time he spent with me, they were always special.
I remember there was a time when I was around ten. I was walking from school at lunch time. Halfway down the street near the house, I could already hear the stereo playing. It was Paul Anka singing his heart out and there was only one person I knew who would dare to play that kind of song in the house. I knew a moment of exhilaration and I simply bolted and came running the rest of the way home. I pushed the door open and there he was, singing with the music, lounging in the sofa while my mother was busy in the kitchen cooking. And for a moment, I was a baby again and I would demand being carried in my father’s arms again. That was a moment I knew I had really come home…
There were also the days when Dad would just spend teasing me. He would simply take a bite at my hand and start tickling me and I would really laugh out loud for an hour or so. I don’t think I have ever laughed so hard in my growing up years.
Then there were the days when he would just let me go off walking around the fields of Gomez Village and roam around quietly. He would ask me where I was going every now and then and I would tell him I wanted to take a long walk alone. There were days when he lets me be and there were days when I am out in the field, just feeling the wind on my face, and I would see him from a distance. Those were the times when I knew that he was trying to see if I am okay without having to go near me. And I would just exhale out a sigh, comforted in the knowledge that he was there on the sides and just letting me be.
Dad was not there to see me turn twelve or sixteen or eighteen. By then, I had already changed. I also sensed that he didn’t know what to do with me anymore. There were so many unspoken things between him and me already. He still tries to spend time with me back then but I also sensed that he still saw me as the little girl of the family.
There was one time when I was in College. I was about to go out and he asked me casually where I was going. I said I was going to UP and he asked me if I was not going to change my clothes. At that time, I didn’t see anything wrong with the way I dressed. My father of course, was a bit shocked to see me about to go to school in a pair of skimpy shorts and body hugging blouse. Whatever he thought, I saw him trying to put a clamp on himself and make an effort to control himself and his objections to what I was wearing.
Sometimes, he would ask me whether or not I have a boyfriend. It was funny, the way he was trying to contain his curiosity and yet, not being able to help himself. Yet, I never told him about the boyfriend I had when I turned seventeen and how I managed to psychologically and emotionally detach myself from my boyfriend. Somehow, I didn’t know whether Dad would understand that I was capable of detaching myself from my feelings. Or maybe, I just thought that he wouldn’t understand me because he never saw me grow up or cope with a lot of things anyway.
I didn’t know what made me happy in the company of Dad. I just knew that when I was growing up, Christmas had come whenever Dad is at home notwithstanding it was already April or May of August.
Dad brought a lot of things to look forward to whenever he went home. His being home meant that I would be able to laugh again, the hardest I will ever laugh within the year. His being home meant also that I was a little girl again. And it made me happy…
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