life for rent
April 9, 2006
catesbool
">(i deserve nothing more than i get for nothing i have is truly mine)
it’s four o’clock in the morning… the little world of the hague is still partly asleep. i look over my windows and all i can see is total blankness as the ISS building comfortably nestles itself into engulfing darkness.
i have just managed to come up with a very rough draft research proposal. by standards, i do not think it would pass muster. i go over my list of indicative readings and it’s enough for me to conclude that i am not allowed to have a social life within the next two weeks. well, who am i kidding? i do not have a social life here anyway.
yesterday was certainly eventful and staggering. it is amazing the kind of adjustments one has to make in order to stop one’s world from spinning out of control once again. it did start to spin for a moment. thankfully, nancy saved me from a possible bout of temporary insanity. alevosia, she calls it… and she reminds me of the things that i need to endure to maintain my sanity.
in five hours, i have to force myself to sit still and pay attention to the 4215 presentations. in six hours, i need to do a ten minute presentation for 4215. i should be sleeping, by all rights. but i know that if i do, i might not be able to wake up in time.
i am mentally exhausted and rambling like a zombie. well, put it down to lack of sleep and too much use of my stupid cerebral membranes.
at this point, i should be cranky. but i still feel like i’m floating with my sense of humor and self-deprecating mood. i am trying to figure out a way to shut the world out. well, i cannot force myself to simply disappear on this face of the planet. unfortunately for me, i cannot do a houdini. if i could, wouldn’t it be so fine to pull out magic tricks? but then, magics are simply illusions; tricks that can lull us into thinking what we see are real when they are not. no, that will never do. i have already deluded myself into believing in magic enough. i cannot make things real by wishing for the things i can never have.
things have a way of unravelling themselves. it is interesting how i can still be driven to near alevosia yesterday. but then, i know insanity is not real. at least, for me, that much now is clear.
i can curse at myself for the things that keep running over my mind. and i might as well bite myself for breaking once again down. but it was good to have found calm and courage in the face of visual diplay of closeness. it was good to have found some use for myself again. my life, as it is, is already complicated. being me is just something i need to endure. and the events that transpire in my life will just be continuations of seasons. winter lingers even as spring is starting to give life back to silent trees. and i must become one with them, those trees.
i sit here quietly inside my room, waiting for sunlight. hopefully, i will not find rainbows in this spring season. i do not wish for rainbows for they are merely temporary. they never stay long enough and sometimes make people think that at the other end, there is a pot of gold. this is a myth that i need to stop believing in. this is what i cannot have. there is no way i can find that gold. there is no bridge between me and a rainbow that is so far away and gives only illusions of light. rainbows are beautiful, yes. but has anyone ever really touched a rainbow? it is there, yes. but it is distant, magnificent by itself with its colors. but it only wants to be among clearly beautiful clouds. it can only be among the skies.
my pride has gotten the best of me. i need to stand back and remind myself to distinguish between what i see and what is real. i will never know what it feels to be truly embraced by a rainbow. but i can feel the warmth of the sun like the trees. i know that if i let the sun in, i would be able to start living again. and i know with certainty that the sun will always be there for me, even when darkness would creep in.
nancy was right about another thing: the sun can come from within me. it should be my strength. it should be my courage. it should be my guide. it has to be my light, particularly when alevosia sets in. i cannot always be angry and sad and feeling a thousand and one emotions all at the same time. i have presentations to deliver and research proposals to fine tune and essays to write. i have a dirty room to clean up and dirty laundries to wash. there are stacks and stacks of reading materials i need to read and a list of readings to swim through for my research. these are the things i signed up to when i agreed to be here. and these are the things that should matter to me until december. everything else must pale into the distance. even beautiful rainbows…
Entry Filed under: Current Affairs
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