eyes unseeing, arms wide open, fingers crossed
July 16, 2006
catesbool
i stand at the edge of the undefined…
today, i am starting a countdown of my life in den haag. in two weeks time, i am going to add yet another dimension of change in the neverending changes in my life that seemed to have started when i reached the age of fifteen. i am moving out of my room and start anew. no more classes at ISS, no more essays and exams, only the research paper to toil on. my tackboard tells me a lot of things i should remember when i make that change:
"you should never underestimate the predictability of stupidity" - from the movie snatch
"don’t stop going just because your prayers have not been answered" - from Ramaswamy;
"people come into your life for a reason, or a season or sometimes, for a lifetime" - from an email somebody sent me;
"we are so much more human here" - from a vietnamese diploma student;
"the only corner of the world that you can change is yourself" - from a CYD diploma student;
"you could have done things differently here but try not to lose sight anymore of the reasons why you came here" - this last came from my own head and heart…
and then, as i emerged from the shower tonight, i kept asking myself why was i here in den haag again. the reasons i gave myself before i came here were the money, the promise of tasting life abroad, the promise of a better career waiting for me back home, and this is the scholarship i had wanted since i was in college and had delayed for so long.
did i ask for life to happen to me here? no… i certainly did not. i know that during my first month here, the only prayers i had was for God to keep me safe. i was even asking Him why He sent me here. i wanted this, yes. yet at the back of my mind were some nagging doubts as to why i should be here. at one time, i asked the Lord for the miracle of being here. but during the weeks of waiting for my acceptance letter from iss and nuffic, i was already telling God that this is not something my heart fully wanted, that if ever i got here, it would only because He has already willed it. so when i came, i asked Him, what was His plan for me here.
and here i was. life happened to me. and now i stand on the brink of another eternity of waiting for an answer that only He has a way of ironically giving to me.
i see before me five more months of uncertainties. what would my life be like away from them? away from the people i spent the last ten months with, the people i constantly had dinner with, and shared so many laughters together. i have been patiently compiling the literally more than a thousand pictures of us together in belgium, in paris, in luxembourg, in salzburg, vienna, prague and den haag. too many memories stored up in my laptop. and there they would have to remain. a pity that my last five months will be spent away from them…
but then, that is the way life happens. what makes me think that their lives would stop just because i am moving away? only my sentimentality probably. they had their lives before i stepped into theirs. they were always more self-sufficient than i really ever was. they can go for days without a touch of my company. what makes me think i touched them with my life? it’s only me in my mind and the way i had always hoped i would be able to touch them.
den haag is a cold place, did i not find that out early on in my stay here? sometimes, a warm breeze would set in but it will be very brief and you only feel the cold blast of air on your cheeks afterwards.
in two weeks time, i go to a warmer place. or so i hope. a place where there is laughter and not the defeaning silence of my mind. a place where people manages to laugh or tries to laugh even when things are going down about them. at least, that is how they strike me. a place where i can at least feel a bit of warmth that is akin to family. a place where i can walk in on a room where evidences of a shopaholic thrives and another where i can look around in its smallness but always feel the jolly good heart who resides there.
it is a small place where i am moving in and a culture that is a bit foreign to me. i cannot see, even in my intuitive mind, how i would be able to adjust to them or them to me. i have lived out my adolescent life in isolation from my siblings and my father. i have tried to live out my life in isolation from my biological family for a number of times already. always, i am pulled back by the warmth and comforts of home.
i did try to find some warmth and comfort here in my room. not even the cheerful bedcovers shooed away the emptiness of my room or the silent echoes of my mind bouncing against the walls. i was still not strong enough to withstand my sense of isolation. even as i knocked and pleaded with them, they too, were trying to battle their own concerns.
so now i knock on anothers’ doors. they are opening their doors on me but i also am not sure how life would be. but i was never the one to hesitate when life hits me head on. with unseeing eyes, i jump over the cliff, with my arms wide open but keeping my fingers crossed…
maybe this time, i would have a sense of home.
Entry Filed under: unconfined
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