how long could i be in suspended animation???
July 25, 2006
catesbool
i don’t know. it seems as if my life is always hanging on a balance here. i just can’t get the sense of completeness.
everything here is supposed to be perfect but it’s not.
i don’t know what is it i am fearing more: the isolation or being lost in the crowd. too many angsts resurfacing is not good for me.
i’ve got so much frustration built up over the years. too many things i wanted to do and have but can’t or am not allowed to have. too many things i’ve been trying to suppress but now, they’ve all resurfaced here in my isolation.
and the ironic thing is, everytime i try to stay away from my family, i am always pulled back. coz they are the only ones who really made me feel complete.
and when i am with them, specially with my daughter, i step out of myself. it’s as if i no longer matter, only this little girl who has so much needs. and then she slowly eases me back into myself with all her smothering hugs and kisses. and then no matter how hard life is back home, i know i have to go on because she needs me.
and that is what is missing here. that sense of drive that makes me go beyond myself. that need to overcome me and my demons because there is a little girl waiting for me and expecting me to fufill her needs. and she looks at me so adorably i sometimes can’t bear looking at her.
it is from her that i get this sense of completeness. and try as i might to look for that sense of completeness here, i can’t.
i want to go home to my daughter now…
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