remembering
September 25, 2006
catesbool
life settles back again in its quiet pace. the hum of activities inside my brain just keep on popping in steady rhythm and i simply sit and gaze out calmly as the tram moves into the direction it should take.
the leaves of den haag slowly start to turn gold. autumn is near… but the weather holds as if to remind me that everything is not dying still. not yet anyhow.
my body moves with the rhythm of life. yet, the pains on my back and shoulders remind me that i no longer am as young as i was. things that i did back then are no longer things that i do now. things are different, even though things seem to remain the same.
i look at pictures of friends. they were part of my past as was myself. but how can it be that a person can change so easily? the only constant in my life now is my family but even they are not so constant. big brother is soon migrating to the US with his wife and dad. and i was thinking last year, we never really had a picture of us as a family.
how ironic that my brother, my sisters and i are bound by so much love for each other but we never seem to have been complete as a family. not before and not in the future. it is only in christmas time that we come together and talk for hours on end. how ironic that we always thought we could be together, as mom would have wished, but we never can be.
pretty soon, winter is coming again. life brings with it a lot of certainties even as it tries to pull the carpet off under my feet.
macedonia changed me but still i am the same. netherlands gave me the childhood i never had but my real childhood was so much more filled with love from my family.
i never did understand while things turn out the way they are. i tried to make sense of them only to find that i can’t. the only things i could make sense of was my love for learning and still that didn’t make sense. i can remember a lot of things and find that i have forgotten a lot of them.
i used to lie down on my back and pull my feet up trying to reach my shoulders. i have forgotten that i can do that but then i learned that my body is not as young as it was. i used to take pleasure in long walks, going around rice paddies and listening to the sound of the wind roaring against my ears. i used to find peace in looking over dried corn fields in the summer time. now, i take long walks along the beach but forget to look at the sun or the sea. i could not hear the sound of the waves and yet it doesn’t bother me. all because i am lost and have lost my mind in silent reveries.
i used to remember a lot of things only to forget that i remember them. i used to derive pleasure in growing old but now i find myself thinking whether i had really grown old.
i used to be a child, happy in the thought of being an adult. now, i am and yet, i find the task of becoming a being a daunting one.
words used to come easily to me but i find that words are no longer mine. perhaps, even this constant humming of my laptop will soon become music to my ears. growing old and remembering is a totally different symphony. i look back and there is nothing i can see…
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