And freedom reigns once again…
October 28, 2006
catesbool
My humanity allows me to become
human again, to see beyond the haze.
I have no way of knowing how
things will really turn out. In my
heart, I know I have changed and yet, I am still the same. I grow by the fact that I can only grow. I learn from the facts that I, myself, must
only learn from myself. Even as I
realize that the world cannot revolve around me, I know that in my heart, I can
let it spin around me in serenity.
I make no excuses for
myself. Please do not ask me to give
more than I can. I give myself out only
because I know I can. I know I may not
be making sense. But for me, everything
makes sense all over again.
I no longer remember my life from
the rice paddies I once peacefully walked. Nor do I remember them from the squared stitches I patiently sew during
the free times I had. I simply have
outgrown my fondness for these things in much the same way that I sometimes
forget the people I once knew.
I do not make commitments to stay
in touch when as a child, I have learned to remember only the people I
see. And those I do or cannot see, every
now and then, I would give them a thought. But it does not make me any less of a person, nor them, if for the most
part of the year, they do not enter my mind. There is a difference between forgetting and people not entering your
mind.
Forgetting is deliberate, the
latter is something that our mind just does because it has to focus on other
things. But when these people do not
enter my mind, it makes me miss them when they do. For the thought brings me back the memories I
had of them, without the bitter aftertaste or the painful aftermaths.
How have I come to this
stage? I had to. And your questions, and your care for me –
they make me want to overcome myself.
I can see that you see some of
that which I saw. And I am glad. For my freedom is now sweet.
We grow when we must. And this is my freedom. I may not make sense to you. My business as of this moment is simply to
express this delight I have inside myself and to make sense to myself only.
My friend, thank you. I have come to that stage when I am happy
again.
If you do not enter my mind, it
is not to forget you. It is, so that I
can welcome you back again and remember how sweet a friend you are.
Today, I am happy. Today, I found myself free.
(for sweet ayanda… i hope i can see you in south africa)
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