outside looking in…
October 19, 2006
catesbool
i don’t know how many times i’ve erased that stupid folder. i just got tired of reading things maybe. or it was just too painful for me to read things over and over again and feel like i don’t belong.
they talk like they all know each other. and i just fade in insigficance compared to them. i open my mouth and i only see blankness in their faces. so i said to myself, what the hell.
i don’t belong to it. i don’t think i ever will. it’s time for me to move on. i cannot touch these persons. they have no room for me in their life and i no longer want to even try.
only one person gives me room. and that is enough.
i will stop beating the walls. i do not have to fit in. i do not have to make them accept me. i do not have to stand their blank silence. i do not need to feel animosity whenever i walk into the room because i do not think i have done anything against anybody. and i certainly do not need to be told that i am impolite just because i went up to a person to give her a kiss for a greeting without saying anything. i didn’t see anything wrong with that. i didn’t think that with a friend greeting a friend, one has to be very polite about certain things.
"grown-ups are so strange. they make this rules". i think i’m bastardizing exupery but i think i am simply trying to recapture what the little prince said.
these people do not have any obligation to feel connected to me. the same way i do not have to feel connected to them.
i give up trying now. coz i don’t think they try anyway. why look for warmth where it is not given?
so i deleted the folder. it’s gone now. better to close the door instead of banging myself against the wall.
these people have no room for me and i do not have any room for them. it’s not difficult to walk out when you know you are not welcome.
ces’t la vie…
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