frightened of heights…
December 9, 2006
catesbool
two days ago, i froze dead on the spot on top of the dom tower in koln, germany and realized how petrified i am of heights. 560 steps up from the base, on i went amidst the cold, the wet snowy rain and the strong north wind. 30 steps away from the top, i suddenly became aware of the cold wind on my face and how it was nearly sweeping me off my feet, literally.
i grabbed the banisters to steady myself while boys about the age of 13 or 14 nonchalantly proceeded ahead of me, their cheeks glowing red with exertion. they looked at me like i’m such a strange being for stopping when i am only a few more steps away.
i looked around and saw one of the landmark bridges of koln on my right. i made the mistake of looking down at the people resting a hundred steps down. my knees started to shake and i felt like i was going to fall, fall, fall all the way down. i tightened my grip on the banisters and i suddenly had difficulty breathing. it felt as if i was breathing very thin air.
i started to get dizzy while my mind struggled to maintain its insanity. it told me that i have already come all the way up and all my body needed to do is to take those few more steps and i will be on top. but my body refused to stand and my instinct for self-preservation made me stay where i am standing.
up there, few people dare to go up. it takes a lot of courage, guts, patience and determination to reach the summit. those who manage to touch the last step indeed are rewarded by the magnificent view and the feeling of standing on top of the world. i know because i have climbed mountains also in the past and i knew it was a different kind of high being there. i wanted that kind of feeling in the past and the knowledge that i have been able to conquer my fear and went beyond myself.
but not this time…
i suddenly realized how afraid i was of being up there, alone and hanging tight for my life. i did not want that. i wanted the security of being on safe ground. i wanted the assurance that even if i feel the wind blowing me off my feet, i will continue to land safely on firm ground without breaking any part of my body.
in a months time, i will go back to responsibilities at the office. for many, i should be thankful as i am facing promotion and increase in salary. being on top of dom tower, feeling the cold wind on my skin and hanging on for my dear life made me realize how alone i was up there. looking down at the indifferent people resting, i knew i had no one who can catch me and break my fall. i suddenly had the urge to run and i knew i didn’t want that kind of professional responsibility on my shoulder.
it is not the kind of life i want to live, hanging on day by day when the cold wind of office politics and jealousy does not allow any proper room for professional respect or an appreciation of the joy of simply working and accomplishing work on a daily basis.
it takes a lot of courage and determination to go all the way to the top. it takes even more to turn back and walk away from all of these, knowing that this is not something you have set yourself and your heart with all along…
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