Allison Road
March 12, 2007
catesbool
She sends me a subtle message to ask if I am okay. I get up from my desk to ask myself the same thing. Some days I am, some days I am not… As always, I am left with little choice but to comfort myself or to find that sense of comfort if I am to get through my days. Living in Manila, looking up at the clouds everyday and seeing only disappointment from there can be rather exhausting. Of course, it does not help that all you can do is to stare out at those bitter-sweet photographs of The Netherlands and its incomparably beautiful blue skies, even if it is the middle of the night. Yesterday, on the way to church, I heard the song Vincent playing in the radio. It is yet another reminder of what I have lost when I was walking along the streets of Den Haag. I gave myself a long sigh and comforted myself at the thought that unlike Van Gogh, I am still alive and did not blow my brains out with the absinthe which I brought back from Prague almost a year ago. I pride myself in being a fucked up fool rather than a brainless fool who committed suicide when the pain of being in that depressed state has become intolerable. Today is one of those days when disappointments are beyond me and depression cannot touch me. I am in bliss even though I just got a very disappointing message from the Department of Budget and Management denying yet another one of the requests from the office. This is one of those things which I can only shrug off because I feel pragmatic enough to know I was just the messenger of disappointment and that I have given all of my best shot to get a response for this. Hence, I am in that semi-euphoric state even when I should be feeling bitterly disappointed. Professional things aside, I am in that state when I am settled with some of the things in my life. At least, for the moment. Marital bliss is still beyond me. Beyond myself, however, I dare not ask for more than what I have. My husband does not like to eat sushi even though I made them from my very own hands. My daughter hates to eat vegetables except for carrots but she gives me those beautifully made cards with lots of hearts drawn on it and tells me that I am Number 1. She gives me these toothless grins and impish smiles which get me through those long days of depressions and series of disappointments. There will be days when we come to periods of crises when we are allowed to question ourselves and our sense of being. There are simply days when not being able to find a person who can understand and see through us can simply be like losing Allison Road. Ach! Life… it cannot get more interesting than this.
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