full circle
July 4, 2007
catesbool
Inang… my maternal grandmother died three weeks ago. she was 94, senile, could no longer walk on her own. the last time i saw her was when she was holding my daughter, then aged 6 months, on her lap and she was making all those googly sounds to make my daughter laugh. she was still a strong woman at that time, with all her energy and laughter for life, even though she was struggling to walk because of the cast cemented in one of her legs. she was, the last time i saw her, every inch of the matriarch that she was.
i had dreams of her when i was in the netherlands. i knew she was calling out to me in her senility. my brother and my two sisters, she loved us a great deal. there was one peculiar dream i had where i saw her with my deceased mother. i saw myself walking from the netherlands, up and down a long path and some mountains, with some grey skies hanging over me, where i got into a clearing and she was there waiting for me. i had sensed, even before i came back to the philippines, that i will no longer see "Inang" alive; that she was to be the reason for me to come back home in mindoro, my place of birth.
Broken Glass… I wanted to come home but i didn’t. there was always something cropping up at home and at work. i told myself i can put if off until december or some other more convenient time. until the message from my cousin came. i knew she was already dying and there was nothing i could do. she was 94 and i thought she deserved to get the rest which she had been wanting and which she had been telling me all about ever since i was a child. but knowing that the rest is for her own good doesn’t stop the pain from losing a dear one from coming. i was stupidly cooking food and crying on a sunday. and it hurt like hell.
still, i did not want to come home. until an angel in my office, a birthday gift from rommel last december, broke for no particular reason. it was just sitting quietly on one of my side tables. it did not fall off. there was no air to push it. it just broke and everybody in the office just felt chills all over.
i knew she wanted me to come home.
home no longer… I came back to san jose on board air philippines. i slept during the 30-minute flight and i was surprised not to feel any excitement at all. things, as it turned out, where still pretty much the same as i left 15 years before, only they were already in a state of decay.
the airport is still the same airport. actually, uglier. or maybe, i just grew up and the sights which were a novelty to me at that time looked tired in my eyes. the comfort room was still a mess. it still took more than 15 minute for me to claim my sole luggage. i was still being greeted by porters waiting by the door. somebody approached me and asked if i am catherine bool. that was a name i have not used for a long time. the man told me that my uncle was waiting for me outside. sunshine greeted me. i knew i was home. but it was a different kind of home.
i had missed my grandmother’s burial. i only saw her grave, along with my mother’s. i never should have come back but i knew i was called to come back. i had seen the place where i spent the first 16 years of my life again. it is the same place as i am the same person. it is as changed as i was.
the rice paddies i once walked during lazy summer afternoons in gomez village had been replaced by houses. the house where i learned the concept of family is still standing on the same spot, had the same rooms although outside, there were no longer any traces of the grasses and the plants i attended to. in their place stood a japanese-style gazebo and garden. the house that once looked so spacious to my eyes had become too crowded with the many things owned by its present occupants/owners. but the mango seed i planted years back has grown into a tree. and i was thankful to the owner that she did not have it cut off. i now know that i had planted something strong. and it is still there, growing like me.
clear waters, not blue… i went for a brief swim along aroma beach that sunday night i went back. i watched the sunset go down while i stood under the waters, shivering with the wind. i looked about me and i saw the same structures i gazed at whenever i was by the beach when i was a child. i knew they no longer hold the same wonder for me. i had already completed the detachment process which began when i lost that home in gomez village.
there were a thousand and one reasons for me to come back years ago. the only reason i came back was my grandmother triggered by a shattered angel. i left san jose on a monday morning not knowing if i will come back at all. i still have cousins there and a host of relatives. but none too important to make me come back. perhaps, just to attend to my mother’s grave, i might. who knows? clear are the waters but i never did understood why they were blue.
my friends from elementary and high school are planning a reunion of some sorts this coming december. i am still undecided whether i will go. i had come full circle. what circle must i start to progress on again? i had met some of these classmates last may. have i completed my circle with them?
my mind wonders, but they are of things which are of heavier burden now. I thank Inang for giving me the genes to be strong to face life, to travel at length in Europe, and to withstand the harsh realities of living in a third world country. i have my mother’s blood running through me enough to give me determination to get on with my life where everything seems to be crashing down like angels.
life… life will continue in its circle. i have created a lot of circles. and completed some…
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