Johari’s Window

2.12.09

Under the stars, walking along a park in Makati

I wanted to touch lives and make a difference.  But I didn’t know how.

I came back from the Netherlands with the fire gone out of me.  I had felt beaten and I had no more strength to fight back.  I was an old woman.  Dorothy had commented how changed I was.  She was trying to pinpoint it.  How can I tell her I had let myself die inside out?

Caloy observed that I lost the warrior in me.  I had seemed… beaten.  He said I needed healing.  Meditation was his remedy for me.  A way for me to channel my energy.  And to shield me from destructive acts.  My well-meaning friends.  I don’t know how I could tell them.

I plodded on, unsure…  Took on a job without any hope of career movement.  Then a small break.  A little bit of pride-swallowing.  And I threw myself on to my job like there was no other day.

It was a slow start.  I didn’t know what my real role was.  I was unsure of everything.  Attention to details was all I had.  Little by little, more work came.  And still more work.  And I developed friendships along the way.  How much difference can it make, sitting by the pantry listening to people.  Coffee and laughter, comfort food and angsts, a warm touch here and there and we go back to the toil, a bit warmed all over again.

Cold weather came.  Bumpy roads and long stretches of travel time.  There were days when I simply don’t seem to finish anything.  People I met.  Uncertain, questioning.  What can I offer them?  I didn’t know if I have anything I can offer them.  Only an assurance.  A comforting word to tell them that I can do my best to let people on top about their concerns.  Delays along the way.  And for every concern addressed, another one comes up. Some seemed so little.  Others seemed as if there are no solutions on sight.  Always, they unravel in front of my eyes.  I am one but I am only one.

What kind of affirmation did I expect?  Did I have the right, in the first place, to seek for affirmation?  I was brought up in the company of noble teachers.  They knew what service meant.  I learned from them.  Is there affirmation in store for those who were born to serve?

In a novel, Og Mandino once wrote: “Tenderly treat the lives of those whom you touch as if they would end at midnight.”  A noble task indeed.  One I did not know how to do.

There are windows about yourself that are known to the world and to you as a person.  And there are also windows which you prefer to keep the world out.  And too, there are windows that the world sees in you but you don’t see.

Almost two emotionally taxing hours of mirroring exercise in a company-sponsored activity.  I didn’t know what I should say to a lot of people.  I barely know them.  What possible good can you say to these people.  With a great effort, I reached out and held their hand and began to tell them something.

I started the mirroring exercise prepared to close myself against possible hurtful words I may hear.  I was wrong.

I was humbled.  So humbled.

I never knew what a difference I could make in the life of people.  To hear more than ten people talk about that difference, it makes my knees shake.  Perhaps, it was just as well that I was holding on to their hands.

I thought I had learned about humility in San Beda.  Last week, I found a new source of humility.

I was beginning to lose hope.  I was beginning to run out of sources of inspiration.  I was being torn, one by one.  I was already beginning to doubt a lot of things.  Where am I leading myself into?  Did I take the right path?  Did I make the right decision a year ago?  Two years ago?  Ten years ago?

There are days when you doubt the wisdom of your decision.  Still, there are days when you simply find affirmation in the most unexpected places, from the most unlikely people.

As for me… I will always be this mess.  Crying… sobbing as I hear affirmation in the hands of people I thought I was not reaching enough. 

I had found a new source for my inspiration.

je suis cassé

mais vous m’avez guéri

pour cela, je suis reconnaissant

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